Today I will remember that diaryland has stopped inserting the extra lines in between my paragraphs and I will have to insert lines myself. I WILL remember dammit. Well, what can I say? It�s Monday, which means another week has started in my ever-so-unchanging universe. I�m at work. It�s lunchtime. Nothing really all that positive has happened all weekend.
I mean, of course �good� stuff has happened, or I�d be a sourpuss. But nothing that is worth mentioning on here. I guess that�s where people don�t understand my life based on what is said here. Good things do happen, but they�re not very �juicy�. I mean, I�m thankful for them, but it�s pretty boring to talk about the details of how well I slept, or how I got my laundry done.
My grandfather has come home from the nursing home, and that perma-scowl that was on his face is finally gone. If there ever was a place to encourage eating right, not drinking, not smoking, and exercising, it�s a nursing home. I know that we all die, eventually, but I�d rather die at like 90 years old in my own home without any degenerative health problems. I know that�s asking a lot, but I�m at the age where it�s well within my control. I hear the guy a few cubes over who is a chainsmoker constantly coughing up a lung in this disgusting, congested cough.
Seriously, what inspires anyone to keep smoking after seeing stuff like that?
Anyway, I brought over the kitten to see my grandfather, but that didn�t go over so well. The kitten wasn�t happy with venturing away from his home, so, note to self: bring a different cat or not cat at all.
The problem, of course, is that in my ever-so-small family, there�s a ton of infighting going on. I have been trying, seriously, to believe that everyone has the best interests of Grandpa at heart, but it�s becoming hard to believe that. It�s hard to understand the reasoning behind the actions of my aunt.
I can, somewhat, understand the reasons behind why she is so bossy. She needs to feel needed. However, for whatever reason, my grandfather either won�t face or can�t remember that he�s dying.
It could be that the cancer has attacked his brain and he just gets so confused by all the doctors and nurses. Yes, he�s been told of his fate, but he�ll occasionally say, �I think I�m getting better�� or make comments about how he needs to watch his cholesterol, or something, which would imply that he�s seeing a future for himself.
So maybe he physically can�t remember. Or maybe this is how he is dealing with it, by staying in denial. What difference does it make?
Apparently, a big difference with my aunt. She �reminds� him every time she talks to him that he�s dying. Why? Her response is that she�s �not going to lie to him� and that she�s �helping him find inner peace�. The problem is that he�s not going to �accept� his fate until he wants to�.or he might not be physically able to. So what good is it to tell him in his lucid moments that his time on earth is limited? How would you like it if you had a way of dealing with someone, but someone who supposedly loved you, kept making you face it? What if you were physically hurt and you put a metaphorical �band-aid� on the wound, but someone who loves you kept taking the band-aid off and poking at the wound so that you noticed it?
Ooh, I�m starting to feel sick again, thinking about it. It�s become really hard for me to believe that she�s doing this with his best interests at heart. I�m so angry at why she thinks that she needs to control how he�s going to spend his last days. So what if he thinks he�s getting better? If she�s worried about him spiritually [he�s a lapsed Catholic], he�s seeing a priest, so, again, that�s not her job. It�s �taken care of�.
My mom is afraid of putting a rift in the family over this by saying something to her. I�m not. Yes, our family should band together and just act kindly toward each other so that he doesn�t feel guilty. However, if �banding together� let�s one person in the family get away with hurting the person whom we are all trying to protect, then it�s not worth it.
So hand me the phone the next time she does it. I�ll be sure that she gets the point.
