Tuesday, Feb. 17, 2004 4:46 p.m.

I was originally going to write an entry about how lucky I am, considering how conflict-ridden my younger life was. However, I was thrown off course by recent events that have put me in an admittedly pissy mood.

I�m not going to pretend that my feelings are justified, nor am I going to pretend that I�m at all in the right here. Instead, I ask that you have patience with what will sound like a whiny, spoiled brat�.or don�t read at all if you don�t want to deal with what�s coming.

I still do think that I�m a rather �lucky� individual. I am lucky in the sense that I had parents that took care of me, and made sure that I got a majority of the things that I needed [or wanted]. They looked out for me, and as a result, allowed me to focus more on achieving success.

I do consider myself a very successful person. I worked my butt off in school to get good grades, to get a good job, to live the way that I do. I truly believe that after all of those years of hearing that hard work will pay off, well�.I finally believe it.

I say all of this because B and I are planning a trip to Jamaica in April, and I feel very fortunate that I�ll have both the time and money to do it. It really made me put my life in perspective and realize that I really do have it good. There are no bumps in my future. It�s pretty smooth sailing, and all because I worked very hard when I was younger. I�m very happy with my life.

However�.

My joy for my impending trip has been dwarfed by a series of events in other people�s lives. I know that it�s pretty stupid of me to compare myself to others, yet again, but it�s not even that I covet what they have. It�s that I covet the excitement of having what they have.

One of B�s friends had to have an emergency marriage, so to speak. He works for the government and was notified that he was going to be transferred from his home state of Florida to this ever so lovely state of Michigan [I feel sorry for him, I really do]. Anyway, he had planned on getting married in October, for which B was going to be best man, but because his fianc�e also works for the government, in order to get them transferred together, they had to get married�fast.

So they got married at the courthouse on Saturday, but they�re still going to have their wedding in October.

I�m not jealous that they got married. I�m jealous that they could do something so impulsive and enjoy it. I used to be very impulsive when I was younger, and now I�ve grown into a more �traditional�, adult role. Unfortunately, I find myself boring as of late.

Boredom has it�s good side. I don�t ever really have to deal with drama that goes with the high of something exciting happening, but I feel like I�m turning into my mother.

Sure, going to Jamaica was exciting, but now I feel like saving up for a nice trip, researching all of the hotels, haggling for prices, and the rest of it is rather boring. This is the second impulse marriage I�ve heard of in a month. And both times, I�ve felt that twinge of jealousy about how exciting it all is.

It always seems that there is a whole flurry of exciting activity going on for a lot of people, except for me. Last year, R, the Roommate, got engaged in the same month that at least four people I know got their dream jobs. All the while, I was getting rejection letters and wondering why I�m always 180 degrees out of phase with everyone else. I was happy for them all, of course, but selfishly, I was also sad.

It doesn�t seem to stop there, though. It seems like whenever something exciting does happen for me, no one cares, or everyone is too busy to notice.

When I graduated from college, which is still, so far, my greatest achievement, none of my friends came to the ceremony. Why? Because engineering got screwed over, and the ceremony was on Sunday, after everyone had already left campus. My mother even left the ceremony early because my grandparents wanted to avoid traffic.

Her only child graduates from college and she leaves the ceremony early?

My graduation party was attended by one friend. The others were out of the country or, because my graduation party had to be on Saturday to accommodate my relatives, they were at their own graduation.

When I got my first permanent job [the one that I have now], the �office� party that we had for me was poorly planned [mostly because I impulsively left a few days early] but also because everyone was too busy.

The point that I�m trying to make here is that 1) I�m bored and I want some excitement and 2) I�m almost afraid to have anything exciting happen to me because it�s going to inevitably be dwarfed by someone else�s more exciting moment.

I realize that I need to stop being such a brat about this, but I really can�t help how I feel. I also realize that if you base your own happiness based on other people�s lives, you�ll never be happy. I know, I know, and most of the time, I am happy. There are a few times, though, that I need something exciting to happen to me and to have everyone watching for once.

I know that I�m not the only one who feels like this. And I almost feel like a jackass for not being more empathetic to times where my friends have needed the same thing. So believe me, to anyone who is reading this thinking that I�m impossible to please, I know what you feel. But again, I can�t help my own feelings right now. I can just hope that I don�t bitch or whine too much to drive anyone crazy!

And with that, I shall go.

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