Things feel very off today. For one, work has decided to go from unbelievably slow to explosively busy. It�s almost unfair how much work was suddenly piled on me at the last possible moment. I can�t possibly go into the details of everything that has caused me much distress, but I can paint the picture that I�m feeling very depressed lately.
It seems like that when it rains, it pours. When things go wrong at work, they go wrong in my persona life as well. I�ve been feeling rather run down the past few weeks, and it seems like things aren�t getting any better. I�m really not looking forward to spending time with my family over the holidays, but not because they�re horrible people. It�s more that I don�t want to answer any questions. I don�t want to talk. I don�t want to ask any questions. I wouldn�t mind going, if I could just sit and observe, with no one really talking to me.
I fly off the handle so easily lately, but it seems like everyone is unconsciously [or consciously in some cases] doing everything in their power to ensure that my life is harder. People aren�t being very considerate of my time or my space. People are trying to use me as a go between for others.
I�m really tired lately, and all I really want to do is be alone so that I can catch up on my cleaning and rest. I mean, I don�t entirely mean that. I don�t mind visitors, but I just feel too tired to try and entertain people for more than an hour at a time. I don�t even have anything to say. I�m not a very positive person right now.
I feel very frightened by some things, and I think that it�s all been amplified by these work problems. So what happens is that I�m very scared about work, and I reach out for comfort. Maybe I�ve been pulling too much, but it seems like I�ve done enough for others that they could understand that I need to pull more than my own fair share this time.
Maybe I haven�t done enough for others, but they need to tell me at the time that I�m doing it, not when I need help. It doesn�t help me to shut me out out of resentment or anger from some past action. I�d like to think that I would try and help them, despite if they�ve hurt me in the past.
I don�t know if I brought this upon myself by asking for more excitement in life or not. The work problems are not my fault, but it is my responsibility to help clean up the mess that others made. I can�t just walk out on it; that�s not how things work in the business world. Sometimes, even in the business world, you are put on the team of someone who doesn�t do their fair share of work�or they screw up too much so you don�t meet your deadline. You can�t just throw your arms up in the air and walk away. You have to do your best to make a good product for the customer. Otherwise, it�s not the person who slacked off who suffers; it�s everyone who is employed by the company that does.
Do you really want the livelihoods of that many people on your conscience?
Are the personal problems my fault? Partly. But it seems like a lot of them are due to the problems here at work which are not my fault. It feels like something spun out of control, but I wasn�t the source of the original problem. Why should I suffer the all around consequences if I didn�t start this? I tried to keep it from getting out of hand.
I�m just so damn tired.
