Tuesday, Sept. 14, 2004 10:51 a.m.

Tick tock tick tock tick tock

Waiting for something really bites. As if my days at work aren�t long enough, my legs are restless and achy, and I�m waiting for some rather important test results.

My grandfather has been acting somewhat loopy ever since he got the news of his lung cancer. Now, people generally do deal with things in different ways, so I was thinking that his decent into confusion had something to do with some kind of defense mechanism.

And then he had the biopsy and the doctors gave him some rather strong painkillers. So maybe that was causing it?

Anyway, he, my grandmother, and my mother went to get the results of his biopsy, which apparently couldn�t be determined. I�m getting information through a third party, so I have no idea why they couldn�t type the cancer, but the doctor was most concerned with my grandfather�s aching hip and his confusion. According to the doctor, that might be a sign that he has cancer in his bones and his brain. They were supposed to redo the biopsy, but I guess they decided to get a CAT scan instead to see, for sure, if there�s cancer in his brain.

So tick tock tick tock�..

It�s pretty hard to concentrate on work when I look at the clock every two minutes. Selfishly, I keep thinking about how I need to know right now what�s going on so I can plan my evening accordingly, but that�s just a cover. I just want to know what�s going on. I mean, it�s not like I�m doing anything so important tonight that I can�t reschedule.

I wish that I was one of those people who could just throw herself into her work whenever things are stressful. That�s not how I react, at all. I like to retreat. I like to be distracted by pleasure items. I like to not have to think. I react best when I don�t have to think. Making myself think only causes me to do shoddy work and gives me a headache.

Tick tock tick tock.

I�m supposed to go try that US Masters swimming tonight with that gay and lesbian club. One part of me really wants to be able to, so I don�t have to think about what�s going on. Please God, let my grandfather be okay so that I can go swim tonight? How dumb is that? I also keep thinking about how sucky work is going to get if I�m visiting a hospital every single night. In that case, work would have to be my stress-free place where I get to relax, while in the evenings I spend�..doing what exactly? What do you do when someone close to you is dying? Do you sit at the edge of their bed and just watch? What do you do?

Tick tock

Do you read the newspaper? Do you talk about every day things? Oh grandpa, I�m doing a whole bunch of test reports and plans at work�..Oh grandpa, I worked out today.

Tick tock

I feel badly for my aunt. She�d have a very long way to go in order to see him.

Why the hell can�t people get results faster?

I can�t even concentrate on reading the news.

Tick tock

Tick tock

Tick tock

Got a comment about this entry?
people have come to see the show!
FastCounter by bCentral