"Try to find your deepest issue in every confusion, and abide by that."-D. H. Lawrence
"Confusion not only reigns, it pours"
-Bumper Sticker
I feel submerged in confusion at this moment, being as that it has been pouring for months. Too confused to think or sleep, but not confused enough to be numb to feeling. My thoughts are in a continuous loop, which I cannot seem to grasp or force back into the straight line that has become my life. I remember seeing an old movie called, �In the Mouth of Madness.� Although the movie did not appeal to me, the title certainly did. It seems to be a dominant theme in my life as of late. Tonight I feel like I�m a prisoner on the brink of madness. Though I would certainly call my madness tame compared to what actual madness is, I am still lost deep in something that is taking control of me. Two different people share this shell. Who the actual J is, I certainly don�t know. Am I really the cheerful, worryless fool that you see every day? Am I really a card-carrying member of this shallow world before us? I could join you as you shake a finger at me and ask, �What has happened to the youth of today?� Am I really a person that has no passion for the world around me, selfishly indulging myself in every material whim that comes to mind? Or am I the lonely, tortured soul that shows herself only when no one (including the worryless fool) is looking?
While one half of me is allowed to express herself, the other is never seen. Both are prisoners, however. One is the prisoner of the world she so haplessly joined, imprisoned by her desire to participate and not face redicule. The other remains the prisoner of the first, unable to be seen because of the �consequences� of revealing herself. She is not strong enough to overcome the first, instead pooling her energy and emotion for one great attack. She would be considered the �little� girl, vulnerable and in need of protection. For now, she will accept refuge hiding in the shadows of the J that the world sees and likes, only letting herself out late at night or in a brief moment that goes unnoticed.
Divided, here I stand, the waters of confusion all around me. I struggle to swim, looking for either dry land or an end to this ocean of bewilderment. The little girl of me rumbles, never losing hope that someone will bail me out, but at the same time feeling afraid that someone will not. The worryless fool looks for her suntan lotion, telling the other to quiet down so that she can relax. A wave crashes down on them both.
The waters around me start to warm, and I look up to see him above me in a raft, a hand outstretched. He is rescuing me from this confusion? I swim, grateful that someone has come to bring me out of what seemed to be unending abandonment in perplexity. Suddenly the water turns icy cold all around me, paralyzing me, and I see that he is no longer reaching out for me. The little girl starts to cry, and instead of hushing her, the other half joins. We both know that there is no hope now, for the sea is no longer simply puzzlement. It is something more powerful: chaos combined with anguish. I can only breathe turmoil and sorrow. My head begins to fall under the icy waters, and I wonder if this is my death sentence�to choke on my own pain.
At least I can breathe at all.
J
