Sometimes I feel so lost and confused. Do you ever notice that when you have something to concentrate on in your life, something bigger than just yourself and keeping yourself occupied, that things never really seem so bad?
�I�ve just got to get through these last two classes, then it�ll be graduation.�
�I�ve just got to pay off that last credit card, and I�ll be home free.�
�I�ve just got to finish planning the wedding��
As stressful as every event is to handle, it is not nearly as stressful as having nothing there at all. I used to spend my time wishing that each of the events that I had to distract myself were over.
Boy was I ever wrong.
I have completed the only long-term goal that I really ever had. I finished college. I graduated with honors. I got a good job.
Now what?
I realized, the other day, that when people ask me what I do with my spare time, I don�t really have an answer to the question. Well�.I�..uh�..well I don�t do much, actually. I go to work every day. I do my thing. I come home. I eat. Then I waste time until it�s time to start over.
Sure, I may go to the gym, burn a few calories, clean up the house, read, play with the cat, write on here, but nothing ever seems to have any real meaning [of course, you guys know that spending time talking with my friends and stuff is not considered meaningless to me. I�m referring to everything that is solely me, what I do with myself, etc.]. I don�t have any hobbies that I absolutely love. I don�t have anything that really takes away from the blandness of my life. I don�t really shine anymore.
I swear that when I was younger, it was a lot different. It seemed like I was great at everything that I did when I was younger. School was so easy, I was so ambitious, I played sports, I was in drama, I was in honor societies, I was really into going out of my way to make people happy. Then, it seemed that at the point in my life where I should have been honing my skills into something where I was truly spectacular, dismissing all the frivolous hobbies, I well�..stopped doing everything.
For example, I can think of something that really drives pretty much all of my friends. Mach loves to sketch and digitize his work, working it over into perfection. Vylette has her eternal busy-ness, her languages, her traveling, her just drive to do everything [I mean, who else could have probably twice the amount of credits required to graduate and keep on truckin�?]. Jayde has JET to plan for, her books, her sense of humor, the way that she likes to discuss things and keep people happy. Of all of the people I know, she is the only one who has consistently keeps in contact with her friends and plans events. H, the All Knowing, has grad school, his lectures, his papers, his academia. A, the Cheerful, has her movies, her trivia games, her infectious sense of humor, her degree to finish. B has his biking, his games, his guild, his house, his job, his undeniable drive to prove himself [to whom, I�m not quite sure, but hey, it keeps him going]. JG is living it up in London, finally happy with where his life is going, happy with the exquisite unsureness of it all. SassyT has law school, the grand plan of her life, her job. Laura has South Carolina coming up. Chels has her degree to finish.
And here I am. I have my jaded outlook on the world. I have my passionless drive to do my duties, going through the motions every day to get to the next. What kind of purpose is that? Complete and utter purposelessness just to exist? I don�t collect anything. I don�t participate in any sports. I don�t scrapbook [though I�ve tried it]. I�m not a great cook. I�m not really into computers or computer games. I don�t see any talent anymore. I don�t really see anything at all.
It�s almost like I�ve faded out, a star extinguished too early. Is it really all downhill from here?
