I think that I�ve become emotionally unbalanced. Actually, I think that my hormones get really out of whack every three months until I get my depo injection and I�m kinda sick of looking back on myself and seeing how stupidly I act.
Sometimes I feel like I�m on the verge of a nervous breakdown, but lately I feel basically nothing.
The way that I used to deal with problems was to face the problem and hide the pain by clinging on to one of the things that I was proud of or making me happy�my �favorite thing� for the moment. It almost seems like I�m an amnesiac because I can�t really remember what those things were anymore. A lot of times I would drown my problems in the company of friends, but somewhere I took a very deviant turn in the path. I feel almost as if I can�t really be close to my friends anymore.
And I don�t know why.
I know that no one has done anything to me to make me shy away from everyone�at least none of my friends. It�s either that I got lazy or used to them not being around. I know that I made a really bad decision four years ago by spending every moment with D, the Sweetheart. The results were chaotic on my fragile emotional system. I began to get used to not hanging out with those who were close to me; only sharing my feelings with him. In the end, D and I fought all the time and I would find myself too ashamed to turn to my friends for comfort. Instead, I wouldn�t back down and argued with him until we were both exhausted.
I�m not sure that I regret it though.
It�s almost like I needed that experience: the clingy, unhappy me to become who I am now: mature, more calm, goal-oriented, organized, independent. I do know that D and I just weren�t right for each other. We had very differing plans for what we wanted out of life.
I don�t wish him any ill.
That clingy side of me just did not fly with P, the Conqueror. I started to build my foundation again with my friends, but I still had so much anger in me. I look back now and wonder what I was so angry at; who I was so angry at.
I still don�t know.
In part, I think that I still am very angry with my father even if I keep telling myself as of late that I don�t care that we aren�t speaking. I know that I still carry some resentment toward my mother, not for leaving my father, but for trying to rule my life the way that she wanted to and for being so negative.
A developing child should not have the amount of pressure on them that she put on me. She is not very good at encouragement as I�ve been reliving lately:
�Law school? But you�ll never even pass the LSAT��
�How will you afford it? I�m not helping you��
�Good luck finding a job when you get out, there are too many lawyers out there��
So, at 19 years old, you have an angry angry volatile teenager who had spent so much time with her boyfriends that she had very few friends at college and everyone else at home. What do I do? I go home every weekend and try so desperately to spend time with a very reluctant P.
I was too blind to his faults. I didn�t want to see anything wrong with him.
I returned to school this past year a bit more optimistic, but still clinging to some unreal past. I had a closer-knit group of friends living very close to me (and even with me). Everything seems as if it was looking up.
I meet new people and build new attachments for the first time in years.
This �stableness� lasted only for a couple months.
It was a bad situation from the start, I realize this. It was a bad idea for RP, the Roommate and LL, the Nice Guy to live so close together. I just figured that they were so rock solid that nothing would happen. I figured that they had it all together in the ways that I didn�t.
The �humanness� just always seems to break out.
RP wasn�t ready to be in that kind of a relationship. I think that she has or had a lot of the same problems that I had. She wants something that she just can�t seem to find from men our age. She wants a steady commitment; she wants a sure future.
That�s something I�ve learned thought. No commitment is every unbreakable. A ring on your finger does not mean forever anymore.
LL had his faults as well. He was blind too�.he didn�t see what she was crying out for and sometimes you don�t want to blatantly ask for it. He clung to something that wasn�t there either for some self-esteem problem or another.
The inevitable result was the demise of their relationship and then the demise of any possible friendship.
It was no one specific�s fault. It wasn�t just his fault. It wasn�t just hers. I was even part of that mess.
My world had gone from peaceful to agitated.
They could not even be in the same room with each other. RP drowned herself in her dependency problems and ran to her newest boyfriend. LL just stewed in his anger day after day until he couldn�t take it anymore and moved away.
Somehow, and I still don�t understand it, LL got angry with me. My �theory� is that he associated me with all of that pain and I can understand why he would.
I�m not giving him justification however.
I lived out the rest of the year still trying to make sense of what I should do or how I should behave. My stability had left me again and I became irrational and negative under all the pressure of school. I snapped too often. I gossiped too often.
I became what I hated about myself.
This probably was the source for many of my problems with RP and I�m not sure if we can start afresh this year or not.
I just got so used to being alone. K, the Sorceress, was still all the way across the world and R, the Life Floater and I didn�t really speak very much. Everything that I had grown accustomed to had changed. As much as I pride myself on being so versatile, I, too, am a creature of habit. My world falls apart too easily.
I was optimistic of the summer, however. A new arrival, my kitten, was sure to keep my spirits up. K was coming back. I was turning 21 and making money again. It was going to be my last summer of freedom.
K came back and I was excited for a time. The excitement and positive energy quickly turned because of my fears that she would no longer be the same�that she would see my negativity and run like hell. I have always felt as if I was supposed to be the entertainer, the star, the person who lifted other people�s spirits. I couldn�t think of ways to entertain her when I felt so lost myself. It�s not that I cut off contact with her; it�s more that I didn�t try as hard as I used to.
I could blame it on being �busy� but it�s not the case. I�m afraid of boring people. Unless I can think of something to do, I won�t make the effort to try and set something up.
Then, of course, there is my job�probably the sole reason that I hate getting up every single day. It is literally so horrible that no matter what kind of mood I�m in, I become depressed.
The thing is, nothing disastrous has happened.
I�m so afraid of failure. I�m so afraid that any job offer rests solely on my ability to keep B, the Boss happy. It�s an impossible task to keep that man happy. I know that I�ll never do it, but I still keep trying. It�s like trying to swim against the current and feeling yourself fall slowly under the water, gasping desperately for oxygen.
It�s inevitable.
I�m going to fail.
Everyone but B understands the impossibility of the task he lays before me. Everyone else understands and wishes that they could help.
But they can�t.
It�s me versus him.
I�m not going to win.
It�s not that I�m even a bad worker or terrible at my craft. My grades speak for themselves: I�m a stellar student. It just worked out that the stars aligned incorrectly and gave me the worst possible person to work for.
So, in actuality, it�s not that a series of bad things have happened to turn me this way. It�s more that a serious of mediocre things happened and I feel so empty.
Of course I have Bandit.
Of course I have AC to help me through our mutually distasteful workdays.
Of course I still have some friends to talk to.
Of course I still have K.
I am getting along with my mom. I have a new apartment to look forward to. I have promises to hang out with AC at school next year. I have more mature relationships with the people that I still talk with. I�m graduating next year. I have plans to attend law school (again, providing I pass the LSAT). I have Bandit.
There is nothing catastrophically wrong in my life�there�s actually very little wrong.
So what�s wrong?
Why do I feel so empty?
