I�m not sure that I actually can continue what I wrote before. I�m actually not sure I can write at all anymore. It�s pretty weird to think about; writing has always been my rock. It has always been something that I could pride myself at being good at; the one true thing that I could fall back on. It�s not like my world has gone upside down. Actually I�m kinda numb to most things now.
I just didn�t realize that I�d be having the hardest year of my life right now.
I�m not really exaggerating, this year has been one of those �growth years� that everyone talks about and I�m not sure exactly why it was timed for this particular year. I�ve definitely gone through worse emotionally but it all seems so small when I look back on it. Everything that was wrong with me before was something that I mostly created myself, now it just seems a lot harder.
I guess I�m finally on my own now.
Like I said, it�s been a hard year. My best friend in the whole world left to go to the other side of the country while another friendship just fell apart. It really made me evaluate who I did and did not want in my life and more and more I realized that I�d been settling too much and trying too hard with people who just didn�t deserve my attention.
Is it better to have meaningless friendships and not be alone or to have fewer friends that mean more?
I remember that I used to shine so much, like a bright star that lit up the sky. I look back on what I used to be back in high school and I almost feel sad that I�m not that way anymore. I was this beautiful, intelligent, eccentric redhead that stood out in every good way. I was a straight A student, valedictorian, a board member on the National Honors Society, a member of the French National Honors Society, I was in drama, I went to a special �gifted� school�.I was independent and quirky, fun to be around, and adventurous.
What the hell happened?
I hate to sound like the typical feminist, but a relationship happened, a relationship I was not ready for. I guess I had always considered myself an �ugly duckling� and perhaps the rest of society considered me too nerdy to care about a decent relationship. The truth was, I was a pure bred romantic. I wished every day for the Cinderella relationship that I felt that I deserved. So when the first guy showed interest in me and didn�t back down from my strong personality tendencies, I didn�t back down.
Ever.
I gave up my friends, my independence, and pretty much my personality to the guy. It�s not like he was this evil villain, but I just wasn�t ready to deal with that kind of relationship. We fought constantly, our strong personalities constantly head butting. Eventually, my personality stopped being mine and I became a unit with him, my entire personality became part of who we were together. I pretended that I liked football, I went out with his parents, I had meals only with him, I decided to go to the same college as him.
There went my independence.
Though I don�t really regret any decision, I shouldn�t have been basing my life off of the first guy who thought I was worthy enough to marry. I�m happy here now, but what would have happened if I had not gone with the romance? Well, we didn�t get along the way that we should have and eventually it caught up to us. He didn�t like me much anymore when I started to become independent again and I didn�t like the way he was after I stopped relying on him to be my one and only happiness.
But I made another mistake; I moved on to another relationship.
You�ll never hear me say this again, but I love P, the Conqueror, with all my heart and I really hope that things work out for us. I�m not sure that they will, but again, it�s not my choice anyway.
It�s that whole fate thing.
Even if I believe in fate, it�s hard for me to admit that fate is a driving factor in my life. Even if fate is responsible for everything that happens to me, I can still feel remorse for everything that does happen to me; I can still feel pain when fate hands me a shitty hand of cards. After all, how do I know that fate wants me to be happy?
I never expected to be dealing with a new found independence at this point in my life. I never expected that my best friend would move halfway across the world (though I am happy for her). I never expected to be cheated on. I never expected that I could love someone and he could love me and that it might not work out. I never expected that I would ever have to deal with all of these adult issues when I still consider myself something in between an adult and a child.
I wasn�t ever expecting any of this.
