That�s already two people who have emailed my page to other people. What the HECK is going on? When did I become so popular? Is it because of the car? Seriously though, there�s nothing overly exciting about my life to draw this kind of crowd, so I don�t really get it.
Should I go back to locking this up? Is that what generates such a crowd?
Moving on�..
I�ve had a lot on my mind lately. Family problems, money problems, major guilt issues have all been found swirling around my head at night when I try to sleep. I used to pride myself on my ability to fall asleep almost immediately upon going to bed, but lately�.it hasn�t been the case.
I, of course, have had insanely good fortune peppered with equally bad fortune. I used to believe that the two were not related, but I think, very much so, that they are. I mean, I just knew that I wasn�t going to get away with things being as perfect as they were for very long. I knew that something tragic would happen. I just knew it. Is that the idea of karma? I can�t entirely remember what it means, but I think that my massive karmic debt is starting to get called in.
Actually, I�m being too cryptic and my next thoughts, though upsetting, have nothing to do with the aforementioned tragedy.
I got everything finalized for my new job today. Now, technically, I�m only required to give five days notice to my old job, but, of course, I wouldn�t do that. I already feel guilty enough even mentioning that I�m leaving while we�re in the middle of something, but I couldn�t push the start date back any further.
You have no idea how nerve-wracking it was to approach my boss about this. I knew that I needed to talk to him first because�.well�.I�d never quit a �real� job before. I didn�t know what to say! I felt like crying, to tell you the truth. My hands were shaking, my heart was pounding, and I think I scared him a little bit when I said that I needed to talk to him�.alone.
Now, on one hand, I have my mother�s rationality smacking me in the back of the head. There is no way that I can turn down this job and stay where I am. There is no way. I�m not even sure that in this economy that I�d ever get the chance that I�m getting ever again.
On the other hand, I feel so guilty.
I feel like I�m walking away from a good job and good people. I feel guilty because it seems like I�m rejecting them after a really great two months.
I mean, I know what it feels like to hate your job. How many summers did I work in that hellhole? How many times on a daily basis did my former boss yell at me? How often did I ever have anything to do? Good God, I know what it feels like to hate your job.
But I don�t hate this job. I don�t even not like it. I like it�.a lot. I have fun every day and I know what�s going on. I don�t feel like I�m lost all the time. I love the people I work with.
So I guess it�s easy to see my conflict here�.
Anyway, I told my boss and he seemed to take it decently well. I�m not sure if he was shocked, completely expecting it, upset, or what. I get the feeling, though, that he�s mad at me now.
=[
This, of course, was exactly what I was trying to avoid, and it only compounds my intense feelings of guilt. I feel like I�m letting him down by leaving. I mean�.does that make him look bad that one of his project engineers leaves after only two months? Am I leaving everyone with too much work? How will they ever be able to pick up the slack?
[sighs]
This is not what I signed on for when I wished to be an �adult�. I just want things to be easy. I want to have a good time. I want to make people happy. I want to be happy. Where the hell is all the drama coming from? Why couldn�t it have stayed back in high school?
[sighs again]
I wonder how bad my next 8 working days are going to be if my boss hates me, I�m leaving all the work on my fellow project engineer, and all I can feel is guilt.
Aren�t I supposed to be excited?
[sighs] I think I�m in a worse mood now than I was in when I started this. Dammit.
