Well, I�m not sure if the past few days have been exciting or aggravating. Yesterday was a prime example of how much stress my job puts on me though. I had my first stress overload and mini nervous breakdown yesterday at work. The whole department had a late morning meeting with the new bigwig who was inspecting our lab, projects, and budget. AC, AD, and I were downstairs at 10 am promptly to find that no one else was even ready. Those are engineers for ya, they�re never ready on time.
Well, we came back downstairs a half hour later and the new guy was listening to our boss talk about the project that we have been working on. I could barely hear B, the Boss with everyone else talking among themselves, but the new bigwig didn�t look too friendly. I was actually pretty shocked that no one else was paying him the respect of quietness while he explained the project. Well, AC, AD, and I stood proudly next to our two different cars waiting for B to finish so that he would introduce us�.
Well, he never did�.
He walked briskly by us and continued over to the Expedition to explain the radar sensing system.
I didn�t lose confidence though. I figured that he would introduce us and show off our projects after he was done with his spiel.
�And he never did�.
That made me so angry. I was literally writhing in anger. I have been his intern for almost three full summers now. I have been on that project since it was just a concept and there were no customers. I have read all the documentation on why it�s necessary the previous attempts�.everything.
And he can�t even show me the courtesy of introducing me to the new Big Boss and explain to him that I am graduating soon?
No, of course not.
AC, AD, and I walked away fuming after the meeting and I couldn�t put it out of my head that he was sabotaging my potential career. Then, of course, I thought about how if I was really offered a job from them, would I really take it?
Well, it depends. As everyone knows, the economy is pretty bad right now and I�m so afraid that my accomplishments won�t stand out for themselves. I am so scared for my own future. I have confidence in my grades and my standing, but I�m not confident at all with my practical experience. I�ve begged B to work more in the lab but he never allows it. Sometimes, I wonder if he seriously is out to get me.
But what kind of sick psycho would do something like that?
As the day continued on, I started to relax about his faux pas, but then SH, one of my Swedes, came over to tell me that we got the source code for that program I�m supposed to modify.
Oh joy of all joys�
The project I have been dreading since May is about to commence. I�ve told them repeatedly that I�m definitely not qualified to do it and that I�ll just be wasting company money.
No one listens.
Well, SH hands me the disc and tells me to install the updated version of the program and look at the source code. Not even ten minutes later B, the Boss shows up at my desk to ask if I�ve �figured everything out�.
�Huh?�
�Well, can you make a Simulink simulation now with the source code?�
�Um�no.�
�Why not?�
�I just got the disc about five minutes ago, and I�m going to need time to look at all of the code.�
What the hell is wrong with him? Does he seriously think that I could be ready to do that instantaneously? Well, they continue to admonish me for sending an email to the maker of the program asking him specifically which function I should look at if I wanted to change the program from single to multi vehicle.
B even started laughing at me, kinda. He told me that it was like a little child getting the info and saying, �Well mom, what do I do now?�
Excuse me?
He told me to send that email in those exact words. I could feel the steam rising from my head. He walked away from some unknown reason and SH sat down with me to try and help me out a bit.
Now, I like SH. He�s funny, Swedish, almost na�ve about Americans, and he�s understanding. He�s only 26, so he truly understands what I�m going through as an intern. Well, my mind had started to shut down. I was angry about not being introduced. I was angry about being admonished. I was even angry about a thread on a forum from earlier. I kept staring at him as he was trying to explain things to me.
I�m not sure if I was giving him my full attention or trying my hardest to understand him, but I just couldn�t get it into my head. Nothing he was saying was making sense; it was like he was speaking Swedish. At some point, he got frustrated and said that he didn�t have time to do it all himself.
I understand his situation. He�s already pretty busy.
He was about to walk back to his desk and was in the process of explaining something to me when AD chirped in.
�J?�
�What?� I snapped.
�Why do we have to have the presentations in Dearborn at 2:00 pm? The traffic is going to be horrible on the way back.�
I�m in charge of organizing our end of the summer presentations between the two offices.
I have two people talking to me at once, two people upsetting me.
�You shut up!� I snapped at AD. Then I turned to SH and just lost it. I turned away from him, trying to regain my composure, but no one would leave me alone. I could feel myself fighting tears after all the pressure I�d been under. They had spent over 11 grand on this program and it was up to me to change it.
Me.
I�d been so scared for weeks; reminding them constantly that this was not a good idea. And now, after buying the program, SH tells me that I might not be able to handle it. I kept fighting the tears as SH explained to me where I could start, but I just wasn�t winning anymore. A tear fell down my cheek. I quickly reached for a Kleenex and tried to hide it, but SH said, �Why are you crying?�
Then I lost it again.
�I don�t know what I�m doing! I can�t do this! It�s too big for me!�
I wasn�t sure what had happened. I had lost complete control over myself. I�d lost control over my very nasty mouth, over my emotions, over my reactions, everything. I was even dizzy and shaking. I got up and ran to the bathroom and guess who I run into on the way down the stairs?
B�s wife.
I ignored her and continued to the bathroom where I laid on the couch trying to calm down. After I felt sufficiently cool, I went back upstairs, hoping that everyone would just leave me alone to work.
Of course things wouldn�t happen that way.
SH asked if I was �still mad� at him. I explained that I had never been mad at him, just upset that no one was listening to the pressure they were putting on me. Then AD asked me if I was ok. I replied that I didn�t know. Then of course, the granddaddy of them all came by. B asked me how I was �doing� in one of those patronizing voices reserved for people who are fake and acting concerned only because it is their social duty. Then he let me in on some other shocking news: apparently he�d had a meeting about two months ago with the guys who had written the program and said that if I couldn�t do it in two weeks that they would hire them to take care of it.
I wish I would have known that.
I felt as if I had been the company�s only resource on this and was so afraid of screwing it up. If I had known that I had a backup net, I wouldn�t have been beating myself up so much about it.
That just goes to show how great of a manager B is.
I left work and went home. After eating some steamed vegetables for dinner, I decided to meet up with JG to talk about my breakdown. I knew that I still wasn�t feeling right and that I needed to take care of my issues before work the next day.
I have to remain professional.
JG and I sat and talked awhile about our various degrees of suckiness in life and how we want to get back to school. I have to say that he is in quite a spot concerning his own life. I�m not sure what I would do in his situation. As we were picking up to leave, R, the Life Floater showed up with his girlie girl Vivi. I stayed to talk to them awhile while JG took off.
Man oh man!
Vivi is such an engaging, uplifting, and outgoing person. She has something positive to say about almost every situation and she has a story for every occasion. I felt a lot better when she was there and I really didn�t want to go home and face work for the next day.
Inevitably, I did have to go home. On my way out I ran into some people that I used to work with at D&B (Dave and Buster�s) and I really wish that I never had to see again. Those guys are the truest of all chauvinist assholes that I�d just like to eliminate from the earth.
Don�t freak out.
I just can�t stand assholes who think women serve only one purpose and that purpose is sex for them. They�re not even attractive either. One of them was proud of failing out of MSU for his fourth consecutive semester. Thank God he finally got kicked out and I don�t have to worry about running into him on campus.
I hate it when people act condescending around me without even knowing me. Whenever someone acts better than me, that instantly brings out that side of me that I hate where I go out of my way to prove it�s the other way around.
Then I become ashamed of my behavior and I look stupid, again.
UGH! Enough about them.
Anyway, I was talking about a thread earlier.
Oh yeah, well, I was perusing the channel 95.5 website and looking at the message board. Everyone was talking about �under God� being in the pledge and I apparently had missed the interview of Newdow, the guy who sued to get rid of it. I don�t normally answer threads that are already like 50 posts long, but I caught something in the thread that got to me: someone was posting that the United States was not actually founded as a Christian nation. In other words, someone was posting that the freedom of religion amendment was actually intended to allow all sorts of religions to practice peacefully within the United States without government interference.
Well, from what I remember reading from history, the freedom of religion amendment was created so that the founders of the U.S. could practice their varying forms of Christianity without having an established Church of the U.S. like in England or having to deal with the oppressive religious wars. Now, that reasoning is obviously outdated, but I thought that was the case. Anyway, I must have misread his posts or he didn�t understand me or something�.well it became ugly (at least on my side) at first. I actually got really upset because I felt like he was calling me �dumb�.
And we all know how much I hate that.
All I have to say is that if it weren�t for my breakdown at work, I wouldn�t have thrown up the white flag to let him know that I truly did understand his point of view and respected the sources he gave to back his opinion up. If I had not flipped out at work, I would have concentrated all of my negative energy on that thread.
I know, I know, it really does sound like I need help, lol�
Well, the more I just sat back and listened, the more I was impressed with his argument. He had some very solid points and he wasn�t nasty about saying them. He remained perfectly �professional� about it.
Anyway, if you want to read/post on the thread go here.
Hmm�I think that�s all I have to say kids.
