I hate that when it rains, it pours. Sometimes I wonder if I am, indeed, bipolar. Sometimes, I feel like I�m on top of the world, excited by everything. Other times, I swear that the tiniest little thing can bring me down. Well, that�s the nature of the beast, happiness, isn�t it? If you are extremely happy, you only have one place to go but down�
I have a lot of conflicting emotions running through my head that are all too reminiscent of high school. It�s almost as if problems are being created so that I can live in misery. But I know that I�m better than that now. No, these problems are sprouting up for some unforeseen reason.
I remember a conversation I had with a friend about a month ago. She was drunk (not me, heh) and she was rambling on about a guy that she still had feelings for. She had feelings for him so much that she was at this love-hate point with them. She really, truly did like him, but she hated him for not liking her back. She told me, also, that she wanted a boyfriend.
This came as a surprise to me, considering this was the one girl that I knew who swore that she would never get married. I always believed this because I thought that she wasn�t into the �game�. It turns out that she was hiding behind this so that she wouldn�t have to face rejection, and all the while, she was just like everyone else�keeping one eye open for the one she was looking for.
Lately, I�ve been telling myself that I�m content without a boyfriend and I�m really not looking. And as far as I can tell, that is true. Every chance I�ve had with a guy, I�ve backed away from for one reason or another. The reasons may be true or they may be justifications, I have no idea. I have no idea why I do what I do.
The problem arises when I get reminiscent of all times with my old boyfriends. I remember (vaguely) how sweet D used to be to me and how he tried so hard. We had our problems, irreconcilable or not, but I can always say that D was a truly nice guy to me. The same was not true for A or P. A had this mysteriousness about him, but it�s like I tried too hard to get his attention. It�s like he was playing hard to get with me. However strange or uninterested he was, I can always look back on that first date that we had and smile. It was a wonderful time. Then, of course, there�s P. I�ve been battling myself about him for quite awhile: do I hate him or�.? Well, I can definitely say that I don�t love him. And with the amount of respect that I have for him, I�m not sure that I can say that I like him either. I do have to say that he was very smart and always had interesting things to say and a quirky sense of humor.
I�ve turned down a lot of guys in the past few months, but sometimes, late at night, I wish that I wasn�t sleeping alone. Is it hypocrisy to tell guys that I�m not looking for anything serious? I�m not sure. Maybe everyone has feelings like this�.
I really don�t think that HT is interested in me and after spending more time with him, I have to wonder if I was looking for something that wasn�t there. I had to say that I was intrigued by running into him after three years. I�d had a crush on him back then, was it only natural to continue the crush? Maybe I believed that fate was bringing us together to try. I�m not sure what I believed. Don�t get me wrong, HT is a really nice guy, but I�m not even sure if he�s the kind of nice guy that would get me.
Is this my reaction because nothing happened last night? Maybe it is. I don�t really know. I do know that I spent a lot of time looking forward to last night, but I wasn�t nearly as excited while actually there on Friday.
I have to say though, guys, if you�re looking for a romantic place to take a girl, take her to the planetarium.
AC, the Coworker came over with her boyfriend and friend last night. We didn�t do a whole lot, other than talk and whatnot. We were complaining about how bad the parties were this year and I have to say that�s true.
Last Halloween lasted for two weekends and every single day in between. Last Halloween was the epitome of parties at their greatness. I had a blast last Halloween.
This Halloween is just typical of everything that has gone wrong this year. The pique of the year was the waterslide incident, and that was something like the first week of school. The parties have really seemed to drop off since then, not to mention everyone now goes to the bar and I�m not interested in sitting in a smoky bar, spending too much money.
Lately, I�ve been angry with a number of friends. I�ve noticed that with a lot of people in my life, I�m the one who�s trying. I realize that this isn�t always the case, but it sure seems that way. It seems like I�m the one who�s always calling. I�m the one who always IMs. I�m the one who always makes plans. I�ve told one person about this, and he didn�t take my feelings regarding the subject too well. Since then, he�s seemingly tried harder or I�ve stopped caring�.I really can�t tell. The problem therein lies that a lot of these people that I have problems with are the ones that I�ve been feigning are closest too me. Since I don�t even know how long, I�ve been always calling KH, the All Knowing, to ask if he wanted to do something. There has been once or twice in the past couple years that he�s been the one to ask me if I was interested in doing something. I don�t know if that�s the result of something that�s been his fault or mine, or maybe he�s just like that. I�m not really sure.
I hate to say this, but the same has happened with K, the Sorceress. The person that I�ve considered above everything else, just doesn�t seem to be there for me. Maybe she did change in Japan, or maybe I did. On second thought, it is probably me. I�ve just been looking back on the past few months or even years and realized that I�ve done a lot of the calling and IMing. Is this because I�m more forward? Or is this because she�s the kind of person who waits for people to come to her? Maybe it�s both. I�m just not happy with the situation.
You know how it can be said that you act the way toward a person that you want to be treated? Well, at least, that�s how it works with me. I do nice things for people because I like to see them happy, and I hope that they want to do the same for me. That�s my motive folks. I do the things that I do because *I* think they�re fun. I only assume that others do because I usually don�t get feedback. Maybe the people actually enjoy it, or maybe they�re too afraid to hurt my feelings.
I�ve also realized that I�m not going to get what I want unless things change. I may not have a lot of time left being �around� as someone put it, but there�s still times for things to be the way that I want them to. So, if I can�t change the way people act toward me, the only thing that I can do is change the way I act toward them. This doesn�t mean that I like anyone any less; it means simply that I�m unhappy with the way things are. I�ve essentially stopped trying as hard as I used to, please don�t take offense if you�re someone who is affected by this.
My dreams have been rather screwed up lately. I swear that I keep dreaming about being pregnant. It�s almost as if my subconscious is telling me that my bio clock is winding down and it�s time to settle. Or maybe it�s telling me that I�m almost there; that it�s almost time for me to get my wings and be a full-fledged adult. I dunno, I don�t really analyze dreams. Usually after having such a dream, that�s when I feel so alone and in need of someone to be with.
As all the guys who read my journal go running�..
Don�t worry, I�m not gonna act on something so stupid, but what the hell man? Does anyone know what these dreams mean?
