My life, in the past couple of months, has taken some pretty drastic turns�most of which, I�ve never had the experience of dealing with in my life. It�s strange to think about how I went so quickly from an adult with every excuse in the world to not grow up, to a very forced realization that I�ve run out of excuses. In college, I never had to manage my money properly, and I spent myself into a debt which I dismissed as �typical� of college students. I had no real responsibility and shunned all idea of one, yet I yearned to break the chains of control my parents had over me. I complained that my parents were too controlling, but I ran to them with every financial woe that would befall me.
I don�t know what happened to me. I have most definitely changed from the person that I was four years ago�or even a year ago. Was it a good thing? I think so. I�m not entirely sure that it was, but I think so.
I don�t entirely know what happened to make me �grow up� so quickly. I don�t know what happened to me where I suddenly thought that getting wasted every weekend didn�t compare to having a nice dinner and a clean apartment. I don�t know what happened to me.
It�s hard for me to look back on the way that I used to be and not shake my head. At one point, I was very shy, quiet, and family oriented. Something happened to me that made me angry at the world, and those around me. I don�t think that the problems between my mother and I are solely my fault, but I do have a great share in the blame. Sometimes, I wonder if I did something that made her so crazy that she no longer like me as a person.
Throughout all of this anger, I developed this attitude of �damn the world and everyone in it�. I had a view on things, and I believed that my view was the only one that was just and righteous. I became very cruel to those who didn�t agree with me, and lashed out through my insecurities. I used to think it was �fun� to start arguments with people, my feelings of elation hitting a plateau when they finally conceded defeat.
I don�t know why I was so angry, and I don�t know why I lashed out at those whom I cared about. Would my relationship with my mother and father be different had I learned to control my temper earlier? I don�t know. Things were supposed to happen this way, I guess.
I�m not as angry as I used to be. I don�t believe that things are just �owed� to me. I do get fed up with those who expect things to just be handed to them, but I realize that I had the same feelings as those who act that way. I have feelings of empathy, and it�s like I developed an over-compensating conscience for all my sins of the past. I feel guilty�.a lot.
Is that a sign of �growing up�?
I know that I have grown up in the sense that I have different priorities than I used to�more �adult� goals. I don�t screw around and come up with excuses when I don�t achieve things. I apologize. I admit when I�m wrong. I make an effort not to be critical. I make an effort not to be clingy.
I like who I am right now, but I can�t help but worry that I�m going to some how regress.
Someone said to me recently that I�m too down on myself. I was shocked to hear it, especially because of all the points in my life, I�m very happy with who I am. One would think that such feelings would instill self-confidence instead of the exact opposite. For the most part, they do. I don�t question my decisions or my goals. If people don�t like me, I could care less. However, I know exactly the person that I was. I know how cruel I used to be. I know how arrogant I used to be. I know how selfish that I used to be.
Since this whole �new� me is so young, I can�t tell if this is true growth or just another phase in my life. Is the real �me� the one that I�ve grown into today, and my former personality traits were just a side effect of my search though life? Or�.am I just being fickle again? I really can�t tell. Of course, I have hope for the former, but I have fear of the latter.
Why am I so concerned with all of this so suddenly? It�s not really all that sudden, actually. These things always run through my mind when I have the time to actually think. The rational part of me tells me that I have no control over this either way, and that I just need to take it day by day. I haven�t so much really had any �regressions�, but it�s like facing cancer: you can be happy with today, but you will still have the tiniest of fears that you�re not in the clear yet.
Mostly, though, I�m concerned because there�s someone new in my life and I don�t want to screw it up by being a spoiled selfish brat. LOL. But�in all reality, if I have to try that hard not to be, then it just wasn�t meant to be, right?
I�m not too worried, heh. I haven�t had a brat regression in quite awhile. =]
