There have been weird things going on this week that I don�t really want to get into. My entire life, I�ve had this horrible problem with comparing myself to others. I compare myself with regard to looks, with regard to success, and with regard to fortune/misfortune. It�s the last one that probably irritates both myself and others the most.
I know that it�s a very common problem to compare oneself to others, but I think that I take it to the extreme. I�ve always believed in karma more or less; what goes around comes around. I don�t lie, cheat, or steal�shouldn�t that lead to something? Maybe it�s a very childish way of looking at life�I�m supposed to get a reward for acting decent, but with the way the �average� person acts, I don�t think so. I don�t think that it�s right that the lazy get rewarded. That�s not the way the story of the grasshopper and the ant went. It�s supposed to be that if you work hard, good things happen to you.
If you work hard, you should get accepted to medical school. If you save up your money and apply for all those loans, you should be able to study abroad.
Sometimes, I have to question whether or not I�ve actually been working all that hard. When I accepted the major that I did, it was like a covenant: you will have to work hard for four years, but you will basically be guaranteed a job with benefits that others drool for. Unfortunately, and as much as I hate to admit this, I have eight weeks left and no job.
I told myself that slaving away for three summers and practically every break would be good for my career�that I would be offered a job by my company. I have, basically, been offered the job, but whether or not I actually get it depends on outside factors, beyond my control. If I don't get the job in the end, I�m going to be very disappointed that I actually struggled through with the boss from hell. What would have been the point?
I told myself that agreeing to go with the hardest specialty in EE would also be good for me. It would open doors for me that have many more opportunities than others with the same major. There is a reason that door is shut to so many, however, the jobs in those specialties go to those with experience in them. It�s hard to get experience in antenna theory in automotive-laden Detroit.
I suppose that a normal person would be able to accept those hurdles and look beyond. I, however, am stuck in the mindset of looking to my neighbors and seeing how I compare to them. Have they put in as much work as I? From my perspective, no. Are they seemingly getting these �rewards�? Again, from my perspective, it seems true. Since I see things only from my own two eyes, I can�t be sure that these people aren�t working harder in ways that I cannot see, but I know there are a few who are definitely not.
Perhaps it is that I�m surrounded by the exceptions, rather than the rule. Perhaps, I�m not seeing something that is actually there. Maybe there is no karmic balance to the universe. I just don�t know anymore. There�s no reason for me to whine. I certainly don�t have a bad life, but sometimes it feels that the breath of unfairness chills my neck more than it does others. Maybe I need to have a new perspective shaken into me, but it seems that everything that I receive has a bit of tarnish on it. It seems like I can never just get it right.
Enough with philosophy, I need to get moving so that the few things I can control don�t get out of hand.
