I am not in a good mood right now. This, of course, is surprising since it is very rare that I can go to bed angry and still wake up angry. I can�t even remember what started this whole thing. Well, I can, but I can�t explain why it has left me in such a mood.
Let�s continue with the facts�.
Yesterday, my mother decided that it was time to, yet again, go completely psycho on me. The resulting frustration, coupled with all the stupid and annoying emails [that I�m still getting] from work was really getting to me.
Yesterday, I also wanted to see B, but he didn�t make any attempt at suggesting anything, so I didn�t bother mentioning it. Oh wait. I did mention it.
I couldn�t do all the things that I wanted to do at the gym because my contact lens solution was still missing, so I had to frantically run after spinning to shower and change to make the stores before they closed.
People, of course, who work in these stores are generally idiots and irritating to deal with.
What happened next�.?
I called B hoping to calm down or at least have one of our carefree conversations that seems to lighten my mood. I learned that he is now probably going to New Zealand for sure. Actually, that probably warrants some explanation. He has vacation time scheduled that he has to take. He originally was going to go to New Zealand, but he was waiting on his friend who lives there to contact him with regard to the trip. So, I was resigned to the fact that he was going to New Zealand. The fact that he seemed so surprised that I wasn�t concerned that he was going to be staying with a woman started to make me suspicious. I mean, at first glance, why would I care? But to ask me more than once and then act surprised that I don�t care thus makes me care. It�s still not enough to get to me yet, but it is starting to give me flashbacks to P, the Idiot, and his �I�m going over to my friend Sherry�s,� and the rest of that stupid story. Since B�s friend didn�t get back to him right away, he decided to make other plans for the trip.
The plus [for the other plans] for this is that he wouldn�t be completely out of contact with me for ten days and that we could spend some actual time together for Sweetest Day [or our version of it, since it shares the same day as R�s birthday]. I don�t like the idea of doing something during the week, especially considering what I actually had in mind for the day [but, of course, I haven�t let on what I wanted to do because of this whole NZ thing].
The minus [for making other plans] for this is that if it were me, I�d say �screw the girlfriend� and go anyway. How often does one have the attachment-free money and time to do this?
Well, suddenly, it�s back to NZ [which makes me glad that I didn�t open my mouth with regard to Sweetest Day]. This in itself doesn�t bother me, but I just don�t like the constant changing of plans.
Our conversation was neither light-hearted nor carefree. I�m not sure if that was because I was already in a bad mood or if it was because of what happened next.
We were talking, and then suddenly he says, �Well it�s time for me to go and go to bed.�
People who know me know that I hate being cut off on the phone. Actually, if you don�t know, you�re going to know now.
I hate it when people, while I�m talking [R] say, �Uh huh� after every sentence that I get out. It�s irritating and it doesn�t even sound like you�re listening. I don�t like being cut off. I don�t like it when people chew in my ear [usually, I don�t care unless it�s something irritating and crunchy like what my mom does]. It�s just pretty easy to guess that if it is a rude action, I won�t like it.
Anyway, whenever he says that, it sounds like, �I�m too bored to talk to you anymore, so I want to go.� I, of course, did my playful, �Nooooooooo!� which, somehow, lead to him snapping at me that he needed to go.
People who know me also know that I don�t respond well to being snapped at. I didn�t elevate it to anything other than resignation that I wasn�t going to be heard with, �Fine. Go.�
Since it is very obvious that I�m mad with the tone that comes with that statement, B brought up when would be a good time to see me next. He suggested tomorrow [now today]. Theoretically, if I were to go to the gym every day that I�m supposed to, I would have no time to see him [or anyone really]. Since I�m aware of this fact, I make certain adjustments so that I can be more accommodating. But what went through my mind at that moment was that I made the suggestion to see him that day [yesterday], but he needed to go running and do various other things. So the unfairness that I can see in this situation really got to me. He needed to exercise and do things so we can�t see each other. I want to exercise and do things, but I should cancel?
I could tell that he wasn�t happy that I wanted to go to kickboxing by the way that he sighed and suggested Thursday. Thursday is a friend�s birthday party, which she planned over a month ago. I agreed to go and I am not changing my mind about it.
Obviously, this didn�t go over well. Although he didn�t ask me to change my plans, I could tell that he wasn�t happy with the idea that I was busy and that the first time that he was going to see me was Friday.
This is what bothers me though: he is going to go to NZ for 10 days in which I�m not going to have any contact with him at all. I realize that we miss each other, but um��..hello? This is three days versus ten here, and he�ll have the opportunity to pick up the phone and call me. I know, I know, he didn�t tell me to change my plans, but he sure seemed to make me feel guilty about keeping them.
So we get off the phone and I stare at the ceiling for I don�t know how long, processing what just happened. 1) I�m still frustrated by the day 2) I�m frustrated by both my inability to articulate my feelings and the fear of bringing up what upset me. Would bringing it up result in a fight?
Today, I come into work and there�s still that stupid mass email thing going on that�s driving me up a wall. They decided to change the power outage to tomorrow [which means that I could have worked out at lunch�..]. I can�t figure out where in the heck one of my coworkers came up with an equation. And�oh great�now I have a headache.
I�m trying to decide right now whether or not to let this all go and just skip kickboxing tonight or to risk a fight and stick with my principles. If this headache doesn�t go away, there won�t be a decision, however.
I just can�t imagine myself as good company right now.
